Back Into the Fray
by meelieaaa
Summary: "Once more into the fray, into the last good fight I'll ever know. Live and die on this day, live and die on this day." She whispered to herself. "It's from a classical film called the Grey. Brilliant movie." "That is incredibly morbid Shepard." "But incredibly relevant wouldn't you say?" she murmurs, the stars reflecting in her eyes.


Even though the day had begun, a dark gloom seemed to hang around the open space of the Presidium. The holographic clouds in the sky were dark, much like the mood of everyone underneath them.

No bright signs were lit up, no loud noises or sounds of chatter interrupted what could only be described as heart break.

The Presidium was filled with people of all races. Turian, Asari, Human, Salarian, Krogan, Hanar, Drell, Elcor, Volus, Quarian; they were all there to mourn the loss of a great woman, friend, leader. There to say goodbye, pay their respects, pay tribute, say thank you, shed tears.

There were no shuttles in the sky, no loud noises, not even from the commons just below the memorial service. Every shop, street vendor, club, taxi service, was silent. Even the animals that resided there were silent. The mood was so tense, so thick, that no one dared even crack a smile.

Lieutenant Commander Jaqueline Shepard of the SSV Normandy, first Human Spectre, Hero of the Skyllian Blitz and of the Citadel, Defeater of Reapers and Geth, and Saviour of the Council.

Born April the 11th, 2154.

Died late 2183.

That's why they were all there. That's why everything quiet, why everything was tense and gloomy and unforgiving.

Councillor Udina, finally getting his wish for the human race, thanks to Shepard, stood on a podium in front of the thousands of people who had amassed to grieve, ever the imposing figure.

Today he looked more pyjak like than ever, his sparse hair slicked back and his wrinkled face set in a solemn expression. It wouldn't do for him to look any other way, Shepard, after all, was the reason that the Human race had a seat on the Council. It was all thanks to her.

The Councillor looked out among the sea of faces. He was surprised at how many people had come to pay their respects. He looked out over the balcony, to the commons below and saw a sea of people down there too, looking up at giant screens that displayed his face. He looked behind him at the crew that had served on the Normandy, at their haunted faces. Finally, he looked into the cameras that filmed him, the cameras that would broadcast his message to the whole of the universe.

Taking a calming breath inward, Udina spoke. "Commander Shepard was an outstanding soldier," His voice was echoed throughout the Presidium, resonating from the screens below and from T.V's at home. "A hero and friend to all."

The Turian standing behind the Councillor seemed to bristle at the words. What would he know about being Shepard's friend?

"If it had not been for Commander Shepard, the Citadel would not be here… We would not be here. She was fierce, loyal, and in her own way, rather special. The first Human Spectre did her race proud, did her crew proud… She did me proud."

Garrus Vakarian watched as the Councillor spoke about Shepard as if he had actually cared for her. Everyone who had ever seen the two of them in the same room knew that they had shared no love for each other.

Not like her crew had. Tali, Wrex, Ashley, Joker, Liara and of course himself, although he hadn't realised that that is what he had felt for her until it was too late.

* * *

 _"_ _Oh my love," the girl onscreen whispered, her blue hand cradling the face of a well battled Krogan. "I've missed you terribly. Why did you leave me for so long? I feared I was never going to see you again!"_

 _Garrus cringed at the appalling scene that was unfolding on the vid before him. It reminded him of something that Shepard had forced him to watch once. The Asari and Krogan were singing, and kissing and just… How did people manage to convince other people to put crap like this on T.V? It was beyond him._

 _But something about the cross species lovers tugged at some deep part of him, like a dull ache nestled deep within his chest._

 _A flash of black hair fluttered in the depths of his brain before dissolving into a female humans face. Soft green eyes that twinkled up at him and pink lips that were always upturned, freckles smattered her nose and cheeks, and that one scar just under her left eye that she wore proudly. She was joy and happiness, everything good about life, even though life hadn't always been kind to her._

 _The Turian chuckled to himself as he stood and sauntered to the kitchen, grabbing himself another drink of ryncol, shaking his head at his Commander._

 _"_ _What's so funny Vakarian?" Shepard whispered in his mind._

 _"_ _Oh nothing Shepard, just you." He muttered to himself, his chest vibrating with laughter._

 _The sound of an emergency broadcast brought Garrus back to reality, the news anchor reporting on a crash that had happened a few hours ago, the transmission having only just reached Alliance HQ ._

 _Garrus leaned against the kitchen cabinet, frowning at the words being spoken._

 _Almost all of the crew made it off alive, their Commander making sure that she saved as many as possible before making her way back to the cockpit to save the pilot. As they should, the crew always came first in a situation._

 _Names and pictures were flashing on screen, although Garrus couldn't make any sense of what he was seeing. They were confusing and distorted. Asari, Krogan, Quarian, human, all these species on one ship? How intriguing, he only knew of one crew like that._

 _"_ _I repeat, the SSV Normandy has been attacked and destroyed, Commander Shepard sacrificed herself for the safety and welfare of her crew. The Pilot, Jeff Mauro, was the last to see her alive before she evacuated him."_

 _The sound of shattering glass rang through the Turians head like raindrops, the contents of his drink covering the kitchen floor._

 _"_ _Huh," He said, looking down at the mess before him. The officer cocked his head and frowned. "How silly of me," he murmured to himself._

* * *

A gentle pressure brought the former C-Sec officer back, causing him to blink at his surroundings. Looking to his left he saw the Quarian girl holding on to his arm, sobbing quietly as the service concluded.

He hadn't even realised that Admiral Anderson and Hacket had spoken before everyone, only realising as they walked side by side toward what remained of the Normandy crew.

"Vakarian," Anderson whispered, the man's face tight with grief.

Garrus kept forgetting that David Anderson had practically raised Shepard since the age of 16, watching her grow and join the Alliance in his footsteps.

"Admiral," Garrus greeted back, his voice steady and cold, not letting any emotion fall through the well composed features firmly planted on his face. "That was a beautiful speech, she would have been happy and proud." The last word cracked in his throat, his mandible clicking in annoyance at the betrayal of emotion.

Anderson chuckled but the sound was devoid of all emotion. "You know she thought very highly of you Vakarian. She was upset that you decided to stay on the Citadel, but also happy that you had made a decision."

The man sighed and shook his head, resting a weary arm on the back of his neck. "It's ok to show some emotion Garrus, we all know what she meant to you." The old man looked into the Turians face and smiled, a small, tired smile.

Garrus could only look on as the two men walked away, Hacket guiding Anderson to the lifts that would take them home.

Home. He couldn't go there, not with the state it was in.

* * *

 _Garrus had stayed in bed for 3 days after seeing what remained of the Normandy Crew. They all had that shell shocked look in their eyes, all pale, all murmering about how they could have done more._

 _"_ _WHY DIDN'T YOU DO ANYTHING TO HELP HER!" Garrus had screamed at them, his talons gripping his head, his chest heaving with the effort of breathing. "WHY DIDN'T YOU STAY TO HELP? WHY DIDN'T YOU DO MORE?"_

 _His eyes searched the faces of those before his, at the hurt and pain and emptiness inside each and every one of them and realised that it wasn't their fault. None of these people would have been able to stop Shepard. She was far too strong willed, cared far too much about her people._

 _His voice was scratchy, he could feel his vocal chords being shredded by the anger but he couldn't stop. She was gone and he hadn't been there to tell her to keep her stupid ass alive._

 _"_ _Vakarian!" A voice bellowed from behind him. The sound of metal against metal filled the docking bay, followed by a hand on his shoulder. "I think it's best if you come with me son."_

 _His supervisor lead him to a private room, saying that he thinks he should take a few days off for personal leave. Saying that he realises what he was going through and that he was there if he needed anyone to come to._

 _"_ _You know what?" the Turrian whispered, his C-sec badge clamped in his hand, "I quit."_

 _Everything was a blur after that, making his way back to the apartment. So many people were out, laughing and joking with each other. Couldn't they see that the world wasn't right? That something vital was missing? Of course they couldn't. Why should they know? It's not like they had known her like he had, lived and fought and laughed._

 _The apartment doors opened silently. Everything was dark, the glass still in pieces on the floor where he had dropped it days ago._

 _Shepard. She was really gone._

 _"_ _No," he whispered, shaking his head, a hand resting on the door frame, supporting his body weight as his knees started to give out._

 _"_ _NO!" He roared. The sound reverberated in his chest and throughout his body._

 _A haze started to overcome Garrus' senses and before her knew it he had lifted the sofa and thrown it against the wall. He roared as he destroyed the apartment, ripping paintings from walls, smashing furniture, destroying everything and anything he could get his hands on._

 _His throat was burning with pain but he didn't stop screaming until every last piece of furniture in the kitchen and living room had been destroyed._

 _Splinters and fabric littered the floor, glass stuck out of the wall and the countertops of the kitchen were all cracked._

 _Looking around, Garrus Vakarian fell to his knees, the impacting sending shockwaves throughout his body. "How could you leave me?"_

 _He slumped over and began to cry, his hands smashing onto the ground. "How could you leave me so easily? Shepard! How could you do that?" nothing but a whisper, but it echoed around the room, mocking the fallen Turian._

 _Now that it was the day of Shepards memorial service, the Turian sat up in his bed and looked around. The curtains were closed but light still spilled in round the edges._

 _Slowly, he got to his feet, and walked to the bathroom._

 _Looking in the mirror he barely recognised himself. He looked like a shell of his former self. Haunted by loss and pain, he sighed and showered, letting the hot water run over his aching body, over his bruised hands and feet._

 _His mandibles clicked involuntarily at the heat but he refused to turn it down. He just stood there, letting the water run over his body, resting his head against the cool glass that kept the water from escaping._

 _Today's the day, the day we all get to say goodbye_

* * *

"Garrus," a familiar voice nagged at him, pulling him out of his memory. Looking down he saw the Quarian staring up at him.

Even though her helmet concealed her face, he knew that she was still crying.

"Garrus, are you going to come back to Jokers, he wants to have a private farewell for Shepard without all the cameras and people. Just us." Although Tali's voice wavered, her words were warm and welcoming.

Garrus closed his eyes and let out a sigh. "I'll come up after I've said goodbye, properly." He said, nodding toward the empty coffin that had somehow spawned thousands of plants and tokens. "I," he swallowed and shuddered, shaking his head. "I need to say goodbye."

Tali sniffled and wrapped her frail arms around his torso. "Do you want me to wait for you?"

"No." He winced at the sharpness in his own voice. "Thank you though; I'll meet you up there."

To her credit, the Quarian didn't flinch at his tone, merely nodded and left, leaving him with the coffin that represented his best friend.

It loomed up in front of him, like a great monster out of legend. Something that could take your life with one hit, that could eat your soul or crush you with its teeth.

It made him nervous, but he made his feet move until it was right by his side.

"Shepard," now that everyone was gone, his voice finally wavered. "I don't know how I'm going to, how I'm going to…" he trailed off as his vision blurred.

"Damnit Shepard, you did always love putting me in awkward situations didn't you." A taloned hand rested on the polished wood, making caressing movements. "You were always one for big fights and impossible odds. It seems like this one's a bit more impossible than usual hey."

Looking around at the now empty presidium, the Turian let out a low sigh. "You know," he said, looking down at the coffin. "I've never quite understood the human tradition of leaving flowers for the dead. All they do is die and leave a mess for someone to clean up. Seems largely impractical and silly to me." A laugh escaped his through, a broken sound that grated against his ears.

Looking around at all of the flowers, a large green flower with a blue centre caught his attention. Green and blue, just like Shepard and Vakarian. You couldn't have one without the other.

"When did you become such a big damn part of my life Shepard, huh?" he snarled, his talons scratching the surface of the polished wood. "Who gave you the right to make me feel like this? To leave me without any explanation, any goodbye?"

He slumped over the coffin, his talons running over the deep grooves they had caused. "I just want you to come back, back to me, back to the Normandy, back where you belong. Because you can't have Vakarian without Shepard."

Garrus whimpered and stood up, his chest feeling as if it were about to implode. "Please Shepard, for me."

He left after an hour of him just standing there, begging and pleading, eventually realising that it was futile and that he was only making a fool of himself. The elevator doors slid open. He punched in the floor number he needed to get to Mauro's apartment, the metal tang flushing out the scent of all the flowers. The last thing Garrus Vakarian saw before the doors closed was the green and blue flower lying on top of Shepards coffin.


End file.
